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Feb. 17th, 2003 | 11:52 pm
mood: Better, after writing
music: Infected Mushroom - Symphonatic

For the lighter side of the Iraq situation: http://www.idleworm.com/nws/2002/11/iraq2.shtml

Right now, I'm sitting alone in the living room of my family's 2 bedroom apartment. The only things you can hear are the space heater in the kitchen/dining room, the computer fan, and of course, an mp3 of a DJ Jurgen I nabbed off of kazaa.com(an excellent replacement for napster, by the way).
Everybody else has been in bed for a while, but I'm not tired yet, as usual. So I sit here in front of my screen, role playing on my Star Wars MUSHes, looking at a few webpages, and chatting once in a while with a friend on MSN as they pop on and offline.

My life has become the internet once again, sadly. And whats worse, I don't even real have those 'internet best buddies' from years ago to show for it. Sure, there are a few people on my MUSHes I talk to regularly, but there's only one I'd really say is my friend, and he's a naive-but-nice 17 year old wigger kid in Oklahoma.

Its not even fun anymore. The internet hasn't been fun for me for a long time. What am I saying, then? I'm addicted to it? Well, I guess that makes sense according to a theory I had a while ago. We'll call it the Gringo's Theory: When you quit some addiction you have, automatically the others you have in your life get worse to take up the load.

Whats worse is that I do sort of have some friends in town. There's a bunch of eastern-European guys living 2 blocks away who're pretty cool, but I just don't get up the energy to go over and hang out. Inertia keeps me at home, and if I'm at home, I automatically gravitate towards the computer.

Hmm, I should relate yesterday's event. It'll make for a long journal entry, but I'm sure someone will trudge through all this. Besides, writing is theraputic for me. I'm not exactly in emotional turmoil as I often am when I make an entry here, but there is a great feeling of boredom, and maybe a bit of 'I'm an outsider', 'I don't belong here'.

Anyhow, yesterday's event. I was out shovelled snow and digging the cars out with my brother. It was good to get some exercise and have some variety, as much as I hated the idea at first. Almost right out our door is the creek which runs right through the middle of town(we now live a block from main street in a small town). After a while, I was just standing there, and across the creek I saw a group of three high school kids. They stopped for a moment, and I heard one call out 'Queer' and 'Fagot'. Then they started walking again. At that moment, I wasn't sure if it was directed at me or at my little brother, but it didn't matter. I told my brother to come with me, and I rushed down the alley and across the bridge to cut them off. They looked back and saw me coming, and I yelled, "Hey!". They were two guys, and a girl. Now, I've never been in a fight in my life, but I was pissed, and even if there were two, they were smaller. They heard me, but kept on walking. I went on after em, and called, "C'm here!" One of the guys, the smaller one(all I remember about him now is that he was wearing a blue baseball cap), hung behind a bit as the other two went ahead. I yelled, "You say somethin' to me?" and he, without looking back, said, "No I'm not." He then kept on walking, and the only thing that I could think to say was, "All right then." I stayed there at the corner for a while, and my little brother finally caught up to me. He didn't have any idea what was going on.

I looked down the road to see hat they were up to, and saw that they were talking to a couple of older guys in a SUV. The red SUV then came down the road while my brother and I were still standing there, and the guy was laughing up a storm as they passed, though he didn't look at me very closely.

As I think back on it now, it might be that the kids were talking to each other, and not to us. That I went after them, and now look like a complete psycho to them. Or, if they were talking to us, and I called their bluff in such a cheesy way, half the town is gonna be out to nail my ass to the wall.

I have been hearing things wrong a lot lately, and I sometimes see people I know, and then when I take a closer look, its someone else. Either its from the speed, or using headphones at high volume too much.

I don't care that much either way, but it got my adrenaline flowing nicely. We took a walk around the block after that. While cutting across the church parking lot, I saw a girl coming towards me in the snow. She looked college age, and has these great greenish eyes, and one of those purse kinda pack thingy that are sort of punkish. Heaven knows why I notice these things. I made plenty of room for her to walk by, and smile, saying "Hello." as she passed. She smiles, and said, "Hey." My little brother said he hadn't seen her in his high school, either.

I decided we had walked far enough, and we turned around. She crossed the street, and headed for the piazza place. I didn't want to look like I was following her, or anything, so we stayed on our side of the street, and I tried to 'look without looking'. She went behind a truck, and I think she checked her face in the truck's side mirror, and then got out a cigarette. Not too sure on that, though.

Why is the episode with the girl so important? Well, I'll tell you. It was my first contact with someone I like in this country. And it happened completely out of the blue, in one of my worst moments. In fact, if I hadn't have been on that adrenaline high(such as it was), I probably would have done what I normally do when a girl walks by: look her in the eye without smiling, probably giving the impression I'm a mean stuck-up psycho-type.

And, of course, seeing as how its a small town, I've got good odds of seeing her again.
On the flip side, I've also got good odds of seeing those three damn kids again, but I probably won't recognize them.

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